Thank You

I wish I could individually thank you all but please know all of your advice and input is taken to heart. I have not decided yet. I know it was hard without getting into the whole story. I guess to embelli**** one of my main concerns is that my mom chooses to be unfaithful to my father and flaunt it in front of him. She is 57, he is 80, but hey, she could do the math when they married. He is ill and she has to take care of him but that is part of til death do you part. She manipulates a lot, uses money and other things to get what she wants, etc. She loves conditionally. My younger sisters are very dependent on her so she can use them as pawns but can't do that with me and my brother because we are stable and only want parental love and emotional support and she is hard pressed to give that. She hit my Grandma, her Mom, on several occasions, lies, steals, the list goes on. Embarassing really but I am not that person and her actions will not dictate my life. It has been an 30 yr ordeal. Growing up as a kid the bribes work and you turn a blind eye to the boyfriends and lies, as an adult, not so much. I do not want my child exposed to that or having to explain why Grandma has a boyfriend when married. I truly have yet to determine what would be good in allowing a relationship but will keep an open mind. Again, thanks for the suport!

Samara - I didn't get a chance to responde yesterday. You need to do what is in your heart and protect your child.

I'm in a similar situation...we told my parents and we will not be telling my fathers side because they are all alcoholics and drug addicts and lie, steal, and hurt. My father backs us 100%.

I hope it all works out.

I Agree with Sara - do what is in your heart.

Maybe a once a month lunch at a neutral location - just her, you and Emad. Maybe the drama would be less then - and warn her ahead of time that this is on YOUR TERMS!

Good luck!

Liz

I never got to respond to your first post about this.  What you are saying about your mother is horrible (not your issue- hers)...there seems to be no question about what the right thing is for your son.  I think many, many of us have complex family issues- I won't bore you with mine (let me summarize as my child soon to be children have never seen my in laws and rarely have seen my biological father).  But I thought maybe seeing this article could help you feel a little better about the situation.  http://www.nytimes.com/2009/10/20/health/20mind.html?_r=2&re f=health  Sometimes we have to do what we have to do.  Oh- and when I have received money I just forget to ca****  (Avoidance- I am not suggesting it, just saying).

Hi Samara-

I just jumped on and saw your post from yesterday. You are 100% correct in doing what you are. My DH cut ties from his family after FIL died when we saw their true colors. It is so sad, but what had to be done.

Anyway hugs and almost happy birthday! Our babies are getting so big!

Hi Samara--

Although I just read your original post, I haven't responded until now. Some of this may sound vague, but I'm trying not to open any of my wounds...just to share some insight into what I've learned along the way.

I'm in a very similar situation and this is what has worked for me. Boundaries, keeping expectations low, and knowing that I have more choice in the matter than it may appear.

I find the shallow-er I keep the relationship with the dysfunctional relative(s), the easier it is on me. Though therapy, advice from others in similar situations, and following my gut I've learned that I am not obligated to have a relationship with any relative for any reason. I am having a child in 9 days...yes, it will be the a relative to my dysfunctional relative(s)...but since my relative and I haven't spoken in about a year, and they are in a very unstable place, I know that now may not be a good time to reintroduce them into my life. That's not to say I never will or that they will never meet my child...but for right now, there is no sense in forging a relationship for the sake of my son...my relative is too unstable and he's been too manipulative in recent times. Should the pattern change, so can the outcome. Until then, I owe no one a relationship with me or my son.

A couple of thoughts I had for your specific situation given the manipulative personality you mentioned, etc...is perhaps if you do choose to have a relationship with your mom...invite her (just her) out with you and Emad (and possibly your husband if he's interested) out to lunch or to the park or a specific event that has a beginning and an end. That way, it is for a specific amount of time and you know that in x hours, it'll be over. Also, sometimes the dynamic is better when meetings are in public places and more one-on-one than in a group with many different dynamics. If having your husband with you is helpful, opt for that. My personal experience is that often my manipulative relative is on "their best behavior" in front of my husband. So, I use that to my advantage.

Best of luck to you and I'm here fro you anytime you'd like to vent...feel free to PM me!

--Paula

I am so sorry you have to deal with this, it's such an ugly situation when you are the "grown up" in these situations. My situation is slightly diffrent, but I know the feeling of just wanting a parent to love me for me and to support and guide me, and not getting it. I wish I could give you some magic advice that would turn your mom into the person she should be as a mother, but unfortunatly there just isn't anything we can do. I cut my dad completely out of our life for a while, and when he finally got the hint he tried to make a change, but I know it won't last so I am not holding my breath.

Good luck with what ever you decide, but just remember that you have to do what is right for you and your children, and everyone else can either fall in line with that or get out of your life!